[That's a relief to hear. The idea of William being miserable, or having to go back to something terrible, wasn't sitting right with him. Hearing him describe it in such positive terms makes Leon feel a little warm. He smiles back at him, leaning forward onto his own knees.]
Good! That's good! That's what I like to hear! My life was pretty awesome too, y'know?
[Up until the end. He can't force that part out of his mouth, but he leaves it there unspoken and present anyway.]
[Well, that subject is at least a good way to approach near the subject. Leon hadn't thought of just bringing up that moment, even though it was a big part of why this started bothering him in the first place.]
Ah, yeah . . .
Look, those mirrors—I ended up in there too, and all kinds of people saw some stuff about me. And I feel kinda messed up over it, and like, this is gonna sound weird, but it started buggin' me that all these people I barely know knew that crap and—you didn't. Even though you're like one o' my best friends . . .
William can't help but be touched by that. Especially considering the rough start the two of them had gotten off to. But he feels the same way.
But onto the main subject.]
Is it something you want me to know? Or need me to know? Because don't tell me just because you feel guilty over it. I will tell you this now. I had enough of that back home.
[Okay that probably sounded harsh.]
But like I said, I will listen. Just don't feel obligated to me. Everyone has a door they don't want opened.
[And it's true. His own feelings have been complicated and difficult to pinpoint, but he's pretty confident that he's never felt guilty, like he owes it to William to tell him. It's more just that it feels strange and unbalanced—maybe it's that there are plenty of people who know, now, but none that Leon has decided to tell himself, and that's not a great thought, either. Who's in control here, himself or CERES?
But there's still the issue of how to even bring it up.
What do you do? Just blurt out, by the way, I'm—]
Look—when I said my life was pretty awesome, I meant it, except then everything about all of it got totally screwed up, and now it's—I don't have it anymore. It's over! I . . . you know what I mean, right?
[He didn't realize how unclear he was, and it's even more awkward clarifying it. Ergh. He's been doing okay up until now, but suddenly that awkwardness catches up with him, and he waves a hand, as if trying to brush it off:]
I, I told you it wasn't a big deal! It's totally not! I mean, I'm alive right now, right? Sooooo . . . so it doesn't matter! It's like it never happened! Except I can't just go home but—it's totally gonna work out, it's got nothin' to do with you, ha ha! S, sorry for wasting your time and stuff . . . !
[And honestly, it's not actually occurred to him that some people here are dead. Well, supposedly, they are all dead. In theory. If you assume CERES is not filled with lying liars who lie. Which he doesn't. Because that's too convenient. And makes no sense. And denial is the best way to survive.
But okay, his brain is getting side tracked.
This guy is dead. Back home. He died. Which means he might not have a home to go back to? Even if they fix all this.]
Why would I ever consider you telling me that a waste of time? When I said I would hear you out I meant it and you... you just...
[Yeah for once he's having a hard time with this. Normally he can be blase about such things, but well, this is Leon of all people.]
I know. I know, I just . . . maybe you thought it was something important.
[That's stupid. He knows it's stupid when he says it, and there's nothing he hates more than coming off stupid, so he's not thrilled with his side of this conversation so far, to say the least. Leon sighs, reaching up to fuss with his hair.]
—Sorry, okay? I don't know how to tell someone this kinda thing! Everyone here who knows saw my memory of it, so I didn't really have a choice. Or they're Kirigiri or Togami.
[In other words, they had front row seats to it happening, he doesn't say.]
. . . Yeah. No friggin' kidding. Some of those people I hadn't even met before. That was their first impression of me, isn't that screwed up?
[His stomach feels heavy even thinking about it. It's not like he can even choose what makes a worse first impression: having a mental breakdown over traumatic flashbacks, or being brutally beaten to death on live video. And these people had gotten both of them at once, so he doesn't even have to choose.
How nice.
He sighs and leans his own head back, staring at the ceiling rather than at William.]
But . . . I dunno. It just felt weird that you didn't know, I guess, after that.
[Which sounds dumb and he knows it, but he's not sure what else to say. Yeah sure I'm a hundred percent okay with being dead! But what's the alternative? Of course there's nothing anyone can do . . .
Or maybe there is, and they've already been doing it. He can't deny he's felt a little more at peace since being forced out of the dead closet.
He tenses for a moment in surprise and uncertainty when William puts his arm around him—but then he sighs, and relaxes all at once, forcing the tension out of his own body. No, this is fine.]
—Just don't treat me any different? This doesn't change anything, right? You're not . . . weirded out?
I-I dunno, man, I don't know how to deal with being dead! But I'm not a zombie! Don't worry, I'm not ever gonna put any part of you in my mouth!
[He shoves lightly at him . . . without actually pulling away. The contact is nice.
And he feels better, now that it's out and he's gotten his reaction; there's no more wondering about it. William's not freaking out or treating him oddly. Seriously, everyone's so weirdly cool about this, it's a huge weight off his shoulders.]
[William shoved him back lightly. This was nice, but yes, nothing was going to change. Leon was still Leon. Kind of dumb and a bit of a pervert, but a good friend at the same time.]
Wait, what sort of thing? No one ever told us that in school . . .
[Or maybe they did and he slept through it, but it doesn't sound likely. Huh. He perks up a little, curious for the first and probably last time in his life about ancient Latin texts.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[That's a relief to hear. The idea of William being miserable, or having to go back to something terrible, wasn't sitting right with him. Hearing him describe it in such positive terms makes Leon feel a little warm. He smiles back at him, leaning forward onto his own knees.]
Good! That's good! That's what I like to hear! My life was pretty awesome too, y'know?
[Up until the end. He can't force that part out of his mouth, but he leaves it there unspoken and present anyway.]
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[He might be self absorbed, but not to that extent.
And he can tell that something is being held back, more and more. But what's the good in forcing it out? A person has to want to talk.
So he'll just leave the invitation there.]
Really you know more about me than most people unfortunately, thanks to the stupid mirror. Which is weird to say.
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Ah, yeah . . .
Look, those mirrors—I ended up in there too, and all kinds of people saw some stuff about me. And I feel kinda messed up over it, and like, this is gonna sound weird, but it started buggin' me that all these people I barely know knew that crap and—you didn't. Even though you're like one o' my best friends . . .
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William can't help but be touched by that. Especially considering the rough start the two of them had gotten off to. But he feels the same way.
But onto the main subject.]
Is it something you want me to know? Or need me to know? Because don't tell me just because you feel guilty over it. I will tell you this now. I had enough of that back home.
[Okay that probably sounded harsh.]
But like I said, I will listen. Just don't feel obligated to me. Everyone has a door they don't want opened.
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[And it's true. His own feelings have been complicated and difficult to pinpoint, but he's pretty confident that he's never felt guilty, like he owes it to William to tell him. It's more just that it feels strange and unbalanced—maybe it's that there are plenty of people who know, now, but none that Leon has decided to tell himself, and that's not a great thought, either. Who's in control here, himself or CERES?
But there's still the issue of how to even bring it up.
What do you do? Just blurt out, by the way, I'm—]
Look—when I said my life was pretty awesome, I meant it, except then everything about all of it got totally screwed up, and now it's—I don't have it anymore. It's over! I . . . you know what I mean, right?
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Leon what are you...
[Wait is he saying that he's...
No, that couldn't be?]
...are you saying you are dead back home? Or something to that effect?
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[He didn't realize how unclear he was, and it's even more awkward clarifying it. Ergh. He's been doing okay up until now, but suddenly that awkwardness catches up with him, and he waves a hand, as if trying to brush it off:]
I, I told you it wasn't a big deal! It's totally not! I mean, I'm alive right now, right? Sooooo . . . so it doesn't matter! It's like it never happened! Except I can't just go home but—it's totally gonna work out, it's got nothin' to do with you, ha ha! S, sorry for wasting your time and stuff . . . !
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[And honestly, it's not actually occurred to him that some people here are dead. Well, supposedly, they are all dead. In theory. If you assume CERES is not filled with lying liars who lie. Which he doesn't. Because that's too convenient. And makes no sense. And denial is the best way to survive.
But okay, his brain is getting side tracked.
This guy is dead. Back home. He died. Which means he might not have a home to go back to? Even if they fix all this.]
Why would I ever consider you telling me that a waste of time? When I said I would hear you out I meant it and you... you just...
[Yeah for once he's having a hard time with this. Normally he can be blase about such things, but well, this is Leon of all people.]
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[That's stupid. He knows it's stupid when he says it, and there's nothing he hates more than coming off stupid, so he's not thrilled with his side of this conversation so far, to say the least. Leon sighs, reaching up to fuss with his hair.]
—Sorry, okay? I don't know how to tell someone this kinda thing! Everyone here who knows saw my memory of it, so I didn't really have a choice. Or they're Kirigiri or Togami.
[In other words, they had front row seats to it happening, he doesn't say.]
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[Because it's your life we are talking about. It's your future. You only have one.
He grits his teeth for a moment and then leans his head back against the couch.]
So though, a bunch of people saw you die, most of whom wouldn't have known? That really was a tasteless event. All around.
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[His stomach feels heavy even thinking about it. It's not like he can even choose what makes a worse first impression: having a mental breakdown over traumatic flashbacks, or being brutally beaten to death on live video. And these people had gotten both of them at once, so he doesn't even have to choose.
How nice.
He sighs and leans his own head back, staring at the ceiling rather than at William.]
But . . . I dunno. It just felt weird that you didn't know, I guess, after that.
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I am glad that you did tell me, even though you really didn't have to.
I do not know that there is anything I can to do to make it better, but if there is...
[He'll do it. No matter what it is.]
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[Which sounds dumb and he knows it, but he's not sure what else to say. Yeah sure I'm a hundred percent okay with being dead! But what's the alternative? Of course there's nothing anyone can do . . .
Or maybe there is, and they've already been doing it. He can't deny he's felt a little more at peace since being forced out of the dead closet.
He tenses for a moment in surprise and uncertainty when William puts his arm around him—but then he sighs, and relaxes all at once, forcing the tension out of his own body. No, this is fine.]
—Just don't treat me any different? This doesn't change anything, right? You're not . . . weirded out?
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[It's a surprise of course and not a pleasant one, but it's something that affects Leon most of all. And he certainly doesn't act like a dead person.]
Unless you are a zombie or something similar to that. And I would have you know that eating my brain will not make you smarter.
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[He shoves lightly at him . . . without actually pulling away. The contact is nice.
And he feels better, now that it's out and he's gotten his reaction; there's no more wondering about it. William's not freaking out or treating him oddly. Seriously, everyone's so weirdly cool about this, it's a huge weight off his shoulders.]
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You made that sound very vulgar somehow.
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[Yeah, he meant to. He hadn't been sure William would pick up on it, but there we go. Nice.]
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[He's half way offended. Only half way though.]
I just try to be above such things.
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[If ever William needed confirmation that Leon never changes, even in death, this is it.]
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Though you know, that sort of thing even exists in ancient Latin texts.
[It is a relief. He would be worried if you stopped being sleezy, Leon.]
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[Or maybe they did and he slept through it, but it doesn't sound likely. Huh. He perks up a little, curious for the first and probably last time in his life about ancient Latin texts.]
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[Honestly no one had actually taught that, he'd just ended up reading it on his own, being an overachiever.]
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[He's trying, okay. Kind of. Whoa, who knew William knew this kind of thing?]
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[You'll be surprise what you end up learning about in dark days before the internet, Leon.]
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[But this still sounds more interesting than like 99% of history. And poetry. And all school.]
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