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[notsolomon]

This is William Twining. I shall reply to your message at my earliest convenience. Thank you. ***BEEP***

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[notsolomon]

[William shoved him back lightly. This was nice, but yes, nothing was going to change. Leon was still Leon. Kind of dumb and a bit of a pervert, but a good friend at the same time.]

You made that sound very vulgar somehow.

[babermetrics]

I thought you didn't even know how to make dirty jokes! I'm proud of you, man!

[Yeah, he meant to. He hadn't been sure William would pick up on it, but there we go. Nice.]

[notsolomon]

I go to a Boy's school, Leon. I am more than familiar with such things.

[He's half way offended. Only half way though.]

I just try to be above such things.

[babermetrics]

Oh yeah? So dudes are like that even back in your time, huh? I wonder when the word dick was invented . . .

[If ever William needed confirmation that Leon never changes, even in death, this is it.]

[notsolomon]

I would have no idea about that.

Though you know, that sort of thing even exists in ancient Latin texts.

[It is a relief. He would be worried if you stopped being sleezy, Leon.]

[babermetrics]

Wait, what sort of thing? No one ever told us that in school . . .

[Or maybe they did and he slept through it, but it doesn't sound likely. Huh. He perks up a little, curious for the first and probably last time in his life about ancient Latin texts.]

[notsolomon]

Oh you know, all sorts of vulgarities exist. Catullus really liked accusing people of all sorts of nonsense.

[Honestly no one had actually taught that, he'd just ended up reading it on his own, being an overachiever.]

[babermetrics]

Uh . . . is that a person?

[He's trying, okay. Kind of. Whoa, who knew William knew this kind of thing?]

[notsolomon]

Yes, he was a famous roman Poet. Very passionate, both in his hatred and his love.

[You'll be surprise what you end up learning about in dark days before the internet, Leon.]

[babermetrics]

. . . Wait, of dicks? I think you lost me here.

[But this still sounds more interesting than like 99% of history. And poetry. And all school.]

[notsolomon]

No, his feelings about people. He just tended to be really vulgar about it sometimes.

[He doesn't have most of it memorized though, since it wasn't useful for class unfortunately.]

[babermetrics]

Hold up, so what's this guy's name again?

[He's pulling out his CereVice to Google (CERES-Google. Coogle) this shit immediately.]

[notsolomon]

Gaius Valerius Catullus. Are you actually searching it?

[Of all the things to make you interested in the Classics Leon, it's perversion?]

[babermetrics]

Yyyeah, yeah, gimme a sec . . .

[Gai . . . gai . . .

. . . He hands William his CereVice.]

Okay, you are! . . . Please?

[notsolomon]

[That didn't last long.

Sighing William takes it and types in the name and then scrolls through a list of hits until he finds a good one and then hands it back.]

Here. Most of them are pretty short translations, though I cannot a hundred percent vouch for quality.

[babermetrics]

[Let's say it's this NSFW true classic of the Western canon.

Leon reads it—well, he gets to "summon me to a midday assignation" and then skips forward to look for anything that isn't that. Skipping to the bottom, he gets to the word prick, reads that part with a disbelieving laugh, and then kinda goes backwards until he gets to "don't decide to suddenly go cruising," and reads that part over, and just fucking loses it.]

Holy, ha ha, oh my god! What?! Are you friggin' serious?! Dude, this's a prank, right?! Where'd you even find this?! You're tooootally screwing with me! That ain't history! No way!

[notsolomon]

It's perfectly real. He's a famous poet, much like Sappho, though everything we know about him is pieced together from his poems.

[He laughs though as he looks over Leon's shoulder.]

It's not all like that, but people from the past are really no different from the people now. They just had different tools at their disposal.

[babermetrics]

He's a famous poet and this's the kinda thing he wrote? C'mon, man, I could be a famous poet if it's like that! I could one hundred percent produce "art" like this!

. . . So what's "supinated" mean?

[God. He's wiping literal tears from his eyes after that. Who knew dudes got famous for telling chicks they want to screw them nine times in a row? Leon's so ready to become a famous poet.]

[notsolomon]

It wasn't all dirty like this. He also wrote a lot of love poems that are very popular.

And it means to "lie face up." So I think what he's saying is that he's "prepared."

[Or something like that. William isn't any kind of expert on such things.]

[babermetrics]

So if you use fancy words to say that you just ate and you're lying down in bed with a boner and you want this chick to come ride it nine times . . . that'll get you remembered for, uh, how old is this poem again? Like a thousand years?

. . . You think it worked on the girl?

[notsolomon]

Hah I guess so. It's a rare text that the poems were found in, so that might be part of his popularity.

[Or something like that.]

She was a prostitute, so I'm sure his money worked on her.

[babermetrics]

Wait, seriously?! This just keeps getting crazier! So was he in love with a hooker, or did he just write this kinda stuff every time he wanted to screw anyone, even if he was paying for it?

[He is so into history right now. Who knew this was possible? History can be cool?!]

[notsolomon]

I think the theory is that he was in love with a married woman who was cold to him and saw him as one of many lovers.

Granted, I do not look too much into the love lives of dead famous people.

[Because what does love have to do with anything?]

[babermetrics]

This whole thing's like a soap opera! . . . Man, I was a hundred percent right. Nothin' ever really changes, huh?

[William, a guy from across the world and a hundred-whatever years ago, has things in common with Leon, who has things in common with the ancient Roman nine-times-a-day dude . . . it's crazy to think about.

Kinda comforting, too. He flops back on the couch, propping up his feet and grinning over at William.]

Maybe if I asked Kirigiri or Togami about you or somethin', they'd be like, oh yeah, we totally learned about that dude in class, were you asleep? He was a famous politician in England a hundred years ago!

[notsolomon]

That is because at the end of the day, human beings are the same, no matter what.

[That had been the case even in Solomon's time. The base desires didn't change, though the form might appear different.

He blinked though at that.]

Hah, that would be interesting, though you know, the England I am from might not have existed in your world? Or something like that.