[That . . . helps. He relaxes—forcibly, with a huge sigh, letting his whole body go slack at once as he sways forward to lean his elbows on his knees and rest his head on his hands. It's a bit dramatic, but despite the show, something does loosen inside of him to hear William say that.]
[It's kind of funny, and Leon even snorts a little, managing a smile.]
You want all the juicy details? Heh . . . just kidding. Just kidding!
[It's especially funny because how many times back home had he fooled around with a girl, and had that conversation with a dude friend the next day? But William's not that kind of friend . . . and this wasn't a girl.]
I, uh . . . I mean, if you're wondering if we're like, a thing now, we're not. It's nothin' like that at all! We don't even get along as friends half the time! It was just, I dunno, there was something goin' on there, and I guess he picked up on it, and he asked if. If I, y'know. Like, wanted to "experiment."
[It's weird as hell to Leon too, which is why he's over in the first place. They can commiserate about how friggin' weird this is. It is helping, too, to talk to a friend about it in concrete terms. It's like it makes it just—a thing that happened, not something life-changing, and easier to deal with as a normal event.]
A couple months, I guess. . . . Did you go to the prom thing a while back?
Kinda, yeah . . . you didn't end up anywhere near the garden, huh? There was this—stupid ViViD thing with these vines that grabbed onto you and they'd only let go if you kissed someone—so, me and him ended up stuck in there together and, y'know, like I said, we had to make out or we could've been stuck there for hours! Sooooo . . .
[Soooo. He lets the implication hang in the air without clarifying it just yet.]
I uh—kinda? Heh . . . maybe it was more like . . .
[What is it like? This is his first time trying to work this out aloud; he's grateful for the opportunity, but stumbling his way through it like it's a script for a play he's never even opened until this very moment.]
I guess it was mostly that—it was good. I didn't wanna think about it, but it was definitely good. You could say we had chemistry, or whatever, at least in bed . . . not that we went to bed after that, but same kinda thing! So it was easy to think that if we did go all the way, it'd probably be good, so . . . who wouldn't think about it, right?
[He's starting to relax, though, leaning back again with a sigh and pushing his hair back into place.]
It's just—it ain't me! Right? I'm not that kinda guy! Not that there's anything wrong with it, but it's just not . . . me! —But I still did it and I'll probably do it again, so does that make it me after all? Shit, I already don't know how to be the dead me or the 19-year-old me or the me that lives on a friggin' alien planet, how'm I supposed to figure out how to be the gay me too?!
[Not to mention the murderer-him. He leaves that one out, but it's there in his mind buried with the rest of the identity crises.]
[So that's the crux of the matter, huh? William leans back in the chair, brushing a hand through his hair.
Also 'I'll probably do it again,' Leon?]
Do you have to 'figure' it out though? How to be that aspect of yourself? I mean, we all have different personas that we adapt, but we usually do not make a conscious decision to do so. And even when we do, it still takes time.
He watches William, peeking out at him sidelong from under his bangs. He's messed up his own hair pretty good by now, and he doesn't even care.]
I . . . I guess I get what you mean. You're sayin' just keep on and it'll make sense eventually? It just feels big! I dunno, like I said, I don't—I guess I don't really have anything figured out right now anyway, so this is just one more thing on that pile.
[And he does, he really does, even if there are ways in which their situations are very different, because tat least one aspect of this is the same for him.]
It's the sort of thing that can happen at the most inopportune moment, especially when everything else horrible or trying is more important. But it's there, looming in the back of your brain, coloring everything. And it's being thrown in your face repeatedly, never giving you space either.
[A little bit of surprise creeps into Leon's expression at that description. It's not what he would have jumped to, but now that it's out, it's pretty on the nose. He nods slowly; so William knows what this is like . . . ]
Maybe it's just, like, this is easier to think about than the really serious crap we have to deal with here all the time, so it's gonna bug me. . . . Or maybe we're just normal dudes who think about sex a lot, huh? Ha ha!
[He brightens some at that. And also includes William in it. Sorry bro.]
[Leon's counting that as a win, too. He admitted it! No way. He nudges William's side and laughs, his mood having done a total 180. Thanks bro, you're the best.]
Man, I didn't think you were gonna admit it! Hey, so, c'mon! You gotta tell me who you've got your eye on! I need to know!
Hey, are you implyin' something about me? . . . 'Cuz you're a hundred percent right!
[He maybe feels a pang of defensiveness, but that's dumb, because William's totally admitting to it! He can't talk! It can't even be an insult! Right? Well, he thinks. And anyway, he's not in the habit of talking about his habits in too much detail with dudes . . . but he has to admit the thought of William owning up to that is pretty . . .
Hey, it doesn't count if you ain't actually done the kissing part yet! I'm just curious what kinda girl might've caught your eye! Gotta make sure we're not competing, right?
[He bumps up against William's side with a wide, obnoxious smile. At least take comfort in this, William: you definitely made him feel better. He feels downright good, in fact. And he could take that and examine it closely and probably chase the feeling away which would suck, or just ride it while it lasts, and he's sticking with the latter for now.]
Yeah, we went out for coffee! We're not together or anything, but I think she might like me . . . actually, there's a couple girls I'm really into! And they're like total opposites, so I dunno how different our tastes are or aren't! That's why I was so curious!
[Well, one reason. Frankly, he just likes the topic, too.]
Oh man, figures it hadn't been invented yet back in Repressed World . . .
[That's the historian's terms for William's era and country, clearly.]
A wingman is a friend who helps hook you up with someone you've got your eye on! What I'm saying is, if you ever did have someone you wanted to ruin for marriage, I'd put in some legwork for you!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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. . . You mean it?
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[He bits the inside of his mouth, feeling a little knotted up inside over this.]
...do you mind telling me what happened? I understand if you don't though.
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You want all the juicy details? Heh . . . just kidding. Just kidding!
[It's especially funny because how many times back home had he fooled around with a girl, and had that conversation with a dude friend the next day? But William's not that kind of friend . . . and this wasn't a girl.]
I, uh . . . I mean, if you're wondering if we're like, a thing now, we're not. It's nothin' like that at all! We don't even get along as friends half the time! It was just, I dunno, there was something goin' on there, and I guess he picked up on it, and he asked if. If I, y'know. Like, wanted to "experiment."
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[William snorted in annoyance.]
...I see. Is that something you have been thinking about for a long time, wanting to "experiment?"
[This is all so weird to him, okay?]
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A couple months, I guess. . . . Did you go to the prom thing a while back?
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[He remembers being a little drunk for most of that night though.]
Does it have something to do with that?
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[Soooo. He lets the implication hang in the air without clarifying it just yet.]
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[Wow imagine if he and Kaz hadn't escaped...
It's best not to think about that for many, many reasons.
And it was time to focus on just what Leon had implied.]
And so afterwards you were curious to see what the rest of it was like, weren't you?
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[What is it like? This is his first time trying to work this out aloud; he's grateful for the opportunity, but stumbling his way through it like it's a script for a play he's never even opened until this very moment.]
I guess it was mostly that—it was good. I didn't wanna think about it, but it was definitely good. You could say we had chemistry, or whatever, at least in bed . . . not that we went to bed after that, but same kinda thing! So it was easy to think that if we did go all the way, it'd probably be good, so . . . who wouldn't think about it, right?
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[Perfectly natural and normal right. That's why he had wondered about that sort of thing... far too often, even for someone his age.]
Are you still feeling... worried about it though? Or is it something else that's troubling you about it?
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[He's starting to relax, though, leaning back again with a sigh and pushing his hair back into place.]
It's just—it ain't me! Right? I'm not that kinda guy! Not that there's anything wrong with it, but it's just not . . . me! —But I still did it and I'll probably do it again, so does that make it me after all? Shit, I already don't know how to be the dead me or the 19-year-old me or the me that lives on a friggin' alien planet, how'm I supposed to figure out how to be the gay me too?!
[Not to mention the murderer-him. He leaves that one out, but it's there in his mind buried with the rest of the identity crises.]
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Also 'I'll probably do it again,' Leon?]
Do you have to 'figure' it out though? How to be that aspect of yourself? I mean, we all have different personas that we adapt, but we usually do not make a conscious decision to do so. And even when we do, it still takes time.
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He watches William, peeking out at him sidelong from under his bangs. He's messed up his own hair pretty good by now, and he doesn't even care.]
I . . . I guess I get what you mean. You're sayin' just keep on and it'll make sense eventually? It just feels big! I dunno, like I said, I don't—I guess I don't really have anything figured out right now anyway, so this is just one more thing on that pile.
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[And he does, he really does, even if there are ways in which their situations are very different, because tat least one aspect of this is the same for him.]
It's the sort of thing that can happen at the most inopportune moment, especially when everything else horrible or trying is more important. But it's there, looming in the back of your brain, coloring everything. And it's being thrown in your face repeatedly, never giving you space either.
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Maybe it's just, like, this is easier to think about than the really serious crap we have to deal with here all the time, so it's gonna bug me. . . . Or maybe we're just normal dudes who think about sex a lot, huh? Ha ha!
[He brightens some at that. And also includes William in it. Sorry bro.]
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I suppose it is more interesting to think about than other things. Definitely is for me.
[At least Leon seems to be a little more reassured, so William will count that as a win.]
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Man, I didn't think you were gonna admit it! Hey, so, c'mon! You gotta tell me who you've got your eye on! I need to know!
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[They are talking about this. They really are. Wow. Leon is really the root of half his problems. Totally.]
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[He maybe feels a pang of defensiveness, but that's dumb, because William's totally admitting to it! He can't talk! It can't even be an insult! Right? Well, he thinks. And anyway, he's not in the habit of talking about his habits in too much detail with dudes . . . but he has to admit the thought of William owning up to that is pretty . . .
Funny?
Sure, that works as a placeholder feeling there.]
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[This conversation took a strange and unexpected turn and William isn't quite sure what to do with it.]
Besides, I am not the type to kiss and tell anyways.
[That is good self. That is smooth.]
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[He bumps up against William's side with a wide, obnoxious smile. At least take comfort in this, William: you definitely made him feel better. He feels downright good, in fact. And he could take that and examine it closely and probably chase the feeling away which would suck, or just ride it while it lasts, and he's sticking with the latter for now.]
. . . I bet you'd like Kirigiri.
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[And he would totally win anyways in a battle for someone's heart.
He raises an eyebrow at the name though]
Isn't that the girl you asked out?
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[Well, one reason. Frankly, he just likes the topic, too.]
You know I'd be your wingman any time, though!
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[This is getting weird again, though he should be surprised by this suddenly flip of the switch, since it's Leon.]
What even is a wingman?
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[That's the historian's terms for William's era and country, clearly.]
A wingman is a friend who helps hook you up with someone you've got your eye on! What I'm saying is, if you ever did have someone you wanted to ruin for marriage, I'd put in some legwork for you!