[He grabbed a tray loaded with the teapot and some cups and brought it over, sitting down on the far end of the couch. He poured them each a cup, eyeing Leon for a moment.]
But I will believe you about it not being serious.
[He picks the cup up and then sets it back down immediately; that's way too hot, he can tell already. This always happens with him and hot drinks. How many times has he burned his tongue? Not tonight, Satan!
Which leaves him with nothing to do but . . . talk.]
Yeah, yeah. It's tooootally not! It's nothing, ha ha! I-I don't even know why I—look, first things first, I'm not telling you this in a weird way or anything! Don't get me wrong here! I just, I guess I just . . . sometimes you just wanna get somethin' off your chest, right . . . hey, you've got demons and angels and all that crap, you probably have confession too, right? I've heard about that before. So like that! —Not that I think you're a priest, I'm not, y'know?
...I am the wrong person to ask about matters like confession. [He would be such a shitty priest, seriously.] And don't be so nervous. It makes me wonder what exactly you did.
[He's rolling his eyes a little, though there is still a joking tone to his voice. Because he can't imagine what this could be about now, because it's Leon. Really.]
I-I didn't do anything! I mean, okay, I did something, but not like that!
[Like what?! That doesn't even make sense.
He picks up his cup again, already having forgotten he shouldn't take a sip yet, but he's saved by being too busy rambling to do so. For now.]
. . . Ooookay, yeah! Uh, remember when you asked me if, y'know, I'd have a problem with it if you were dating Kazuya? Like if I'd get down on you if you were gay, I guess? Remember?
[Oh God Leon, what are you being so shifty about? Come on. Learn to be more nonchalant. Like William here.]
Why bring that up again? [He flushes a little, suddenly concerned, for himself. Is this going to be round 150 of this?] But yes, I remember that. I remember all of that conversation.
I'm gonna tell you! Chill out . . . I was gettin' to it. It's just—I brought it up 'cuz—what about you, huh? You ain't like that, but you wouldn't freak out about it and run . . . right?
[He says it with equal parts nervousness and hopefulness, and cringes at the sound of his own voice when he hears it. Yikes.]
[William raises an eyebrow and then shakes his head. If it was back home, he might have been... annoyed by such things. There were certain rules of society you had to follow, regardless of your feelings and he hated when others flaunted their inability to do so.
But he had become more flexible on those things back home and here... well, it didn't matter. And he had done A LOT of thinking on it.]
Why would I run? There is nothing to fear in that situation, as long as it is not a pretext for acting untoward.
I didn't mean in a fear kinda way, c'mon, you know what I mean, right . . .
[Actually, he doesn't quite know what he means himself, so he just trails off the end of that already weak-sounding sentence and sighs. At least that reaction wasn't bad. Okay. Leon rubs his eyes and nose with his hand, which doubles as a good excuse not to look at anything or anyone.]
—I don't even know what you mean by "acting untoward"! Isn't pretty much everything untoward for you? Like—like if, like just for example, if I slept with a dude or something, that'd be . . . untoward! Right?
[Shit, William had seen through him . . . well, no, deep down he's relieved. The alternative would have been having to actually clarify later that this hypothetical wasn't a hypothetical at all. William's smart, of course he got it right away.
But god, talk about embarrassing. He's ready to feel the rush of relief that will hopefully come with getting this off his chest, but it's not rushing anywhere just yet. He's still seized with uncertain humiliation, staring down at one of his hands curling next to himself on the couch.]
I definitely do, but . . . that . . . still happened?
[Apparently. Why are you telling him this Leon? That's what he wants to ask, but that's not going to be helpful Because well, there is probably a reason.]
Are you okay? I mean? With it. Having happened. Or...
[That's why. He turns a pleading look on William, suddenly intense, and he's not even sure himself what he's pleading for. Someone to figure all of this out for him, maybe.]
[And he doesn't know. Really he doesn't know and this is hitting far too close to William's own issues. But after a moment, he manages to say something.]
I... don't think you are supposed say one thing or the other. I mean... what matters is what you feel about it. I mean. It doesn't change who you are. At all.
[That . . . helps. He relaxes—forcibly, with a huge sigh, letting his whole body go slack at once as he sways forward to lean his elbows on his knees and rest his head on his hands. It's a bit dramatic, but despite the show, something does loosen inside of him to hear William say that.]
[It's kind of funny, and Leon even snorts a little, managing a smile.]
You want all the juicy details? Heh . . . just kidding. Just kidding!
[It's especially funny because how many times back home had he fooled around with a girl, and had that conversation with a dude friend the next day? But William's not that kind of friend . . . and this wasn't a girl.]
I, uh . . . I mean, if you're wondering if we're like, a thing now, we're not. It's nothin' like that at all! We don't even get along as friends half the time! It was just, I dunno, there was something goin' on there, and I guess he picked up on it, and he asked if. If I, y'know. Like, wanted to "experiment."
[It's weird as hell to Leon too, which is why he's over in the first place. They can commiserate about how friggin' weird this is. It is helping, too, to talk to a friend about it in concrete terms. It's like it makes it just—a thing that happened, not something life-changing, and easier to deal with as a normal event.]
A couple months, I guess. . . . Did you go to the prom thing a while back?
Kinda, yeah . . . you didn't end up anywhere near the garden, huh? There was this—stupid ViViD thing with these vines that grabbed onto you and they'd only let go if you kissed someone—so, me and him ended up stuck in there together and, y'know, like I said, we had to make out or we could've been stuck there for hours! Sooooo . . .
[Soooo. He lets the implication hang in the air without clarifying it just yet.]
I uh—kinda? Heh . . . maybe it was more like . . .
[What is it like? This is his first time trying to work this out aloud; he's grateful for the opportunity, but stumbling his way through it like it's a script for a play he's never even opened until this very moment.]
I guess it was mostly that—it was good. I didn't wanna think about it, but it was definitely good. You could say we had chemistry, or whatever, at least in bed . . . not that we went to bed after that, but same kinda thing! So it was easy to think that if we did go all the way, it'd probably be good, so . . . who wouldn't think about it, right?
[He's starting to relax, though, leaning back again with a sigh and pushing his hair back into place.]
It's just—it ain't me! Right? I'm not that kinda guy! Not that there's anything wrong with it, but it's just not . . . me! —But I still did it and I'll probably do it again, so does that make it me after all? Shit, I already don't know how to be the dead me or the 19-year-old me or the me that lives on a friggin' alien planet, how'm I supposed to figure out how to be the gay me too?!
[Not to mention the murderer-him. He leaves that one out, but it's there in his mind buried with the rest of the identity crises.]
[So that's the crux of the matter, huh? William leans back in the chair, brushing a hand through his hair.
Also 'I'll probably do it again,' Leon?]
Do you have to 'figure' it out though? How to be that aspect of yourself? I mean, we all have different personas that we adapt, but we usually do not make a conscious decision to do so. And even when we do, it still takes time.
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[He grabbed a tray loaded with the teapot and some cups and brought it over, sitting down on the far end of the couch. He poured them each a cup, eyeing Leon for a moment.]
But I will believe you about it not being serious.
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Which leaves him with nothing to do but . . . talk.]
Yeah, yeah. It's tooootally not! It's nothing, ha ha! I-I don't even know why I—look, first things first, I'm not telling you this in a weird way or anything! Don't get me wrong here! I just, I guess I just . . . sometimes you just wanna get somethin' off your chest, right . . . hey, you've got demons and angels and all that crap, you probably have confession too, right? I've heard about that before. So like that! —Not that I think you're a priest, I'm not, y'know?
[He is really hitting this one out of the park.]
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[William laughed a little as he leaned back.]
...I am the wrong person to ask about matters like confession. [He would be such a shitty priest, seriously.] And don't be so nervous. It makes me wonder what exactly you did.
[He's rolling his eyes a little, though there is still a joking tone to his voice. Because he can't imagine what this could be about now, because it's Leon. Really.]
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[Like what?! That doesn't even make sense.
He picks up his cup again, already having forgotten he shouldn't take a sip yet, but he's saved by being too busy rambling to do so. For now.]
. . . Ooookay, yeah! Uh, remember when you asked me if, y'know, I'd have a problem with it if you were dating Kazuya? Like if I'd get down on you if you were gay, I guess? Remember?
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Why bring that up again? [He flushes a little, suddenly concerned, for himself. Is this going to be round 150 of this?] But yes, I remember that. I remember all of that conversation.
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[He says it with equal parts nervousness and hopefulness, and cringes at the sound of his own voice when he hears it. Yikes.]
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But he had become more flexible on those things back home and here... well, it didn't matter. And he had done A LOT of thinking on it.]
Why would I run? There is nothing to fear in that situation, as long as it is not a pretext for acting untoward.
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[Actually, he doesn't quite know what he means himself, so he just trails off the end of that already weak-sounding sentence and sighs. At least that reaction wasn't bad. Okay. Leon rubs his eyes and nose with his hand, which doubles as a good excuse not to look at anything or anyone.]
—I don't even know what you mean by "acting untoward"! Isn't pretty much everything untoward for you? Like—like if, like just for example, if I slept with a dude or something, that'd be . . . untoward! Right?
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[Wait, what? That was...
Leon is like Kaz you know. Terrible at doing things with anything regarding tack. And lying. And wait what?]
...I thought you only liked girls.
[That is the first thought that pops into his head. Because he's not going to be kind and humor your Leon with your bad, bad totally a hypothetical.]
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[Shit, William had seen through him . . . well, no, deep down he's relieved. The alternative would have been having to actually clarify later that this hypothetical wasn't a hypothetical at all. William's smart, of course he got it right away.
But god, talk about embarrassing. He's ready to feel the rush of relief that will hopefully come with getting this off his chest, but it's not rushing anywhere just yet. He's still seized with uncertain humiliation, staring down at one of his hands curling next to himself on the couch.]
I definitely do, but . . . that . . . still happened?
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[Apparently. Why are you telling him this Leon? That's what he wants to ask, but that's not going to be helpful Because well, there is probably a reason.]
Are you okay? I mean? With it. Having happened. Or...
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[That's why. He turns a pleading look on William, suddenly intense, and he's not even sure himself what he's pleading for. Someone to figure all of this out for him, maybe.]
Which one am I supposed to say?
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I... don't think you are supposed say one thing or the other. I mean... what matters is what you feel about it. I mean. It doesn't change who you are. At all.
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. . . You mean it?
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[He bits the inside of his mouth, feeling a little knotted up inside over this.]
...do you mind telling me what happened? I understand if you don't though.
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You want all the juicy details? Heh . . . just kidding. Just kidding!
[It's especially funny because how many times back home had he fooled around with a girl, and had that conversation with a dude friend the next day? But William's not that kind of friend . . . and this wasn't a girl.]
I, uh . . . I mean, if you're wondering if we're like, a thing now, we're not. It's nothin' like that at all! We don't even get along as friends half the time! It was just, I dunno, there was something goin' on there, and I guess he picked up on it, and he asked if. If I, y'know. Like, wanted to "experiment."
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[William snorted in annoyance.]
...I see. Is that something you have been thinking about for a long time, wanting to "experiment?"
[This is all so weird to him, okay?]
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A couple months, I guess. . . . Did you go to the prom thing a while back?
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[He remembers being a little drunk for most of that night though.]
Does it have something to do with that?
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[Soooo. He lets the implication hang in the air without clarifying it just yet.]
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[Wow imagine if he and Kaz hadn't escaped...
It's best not to think about that for many, many reasons.
And it was time to focus on just what Leon had implied.]
And so afterwards you were curious to see what the rest of it was like, weren't you?
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[What is it like? This is his first time trying to work this out aloud; he's grateful for the opportunity, but stumbling his way through it like it's a script for a play he's never even opened until this very moment.]
I guess it was mostly that—it was good. I didn't wanna think about it, but it was definitely good. You could say we had chemistry, or whatever, at least in bed . . . not that we went to bed after that, but same kinda thing! So it was easy to think that if we did go all the way, it'd probably be good, so . . . who wouldn't think about it, right?
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[Perfectly natural and normal right. That's why he had wondered about that sort of thing... far too often, even for someone his age.]
Are you still feeling... worried about it though? Or is it something else that's troubling you about it?
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[He's starting to relax, though, leaning back again with a sigh and pushing his hair back into place.]
It's just—it ain't me! Right? I'm not that kinda guy! Not that there's anything wrong with it, but it's just not . . . me! —But I still did it and I'll probably do it again, so does that make it me after all? Shit, I already don't know how to be the dead me or the 19-year-old me or the me that lives on a friggin' alien planet, how'm I supposed to figure out how to be the gay me too?!
[Not to mention the murderer-him. He leaves that one out, but it's there in his mind buried with the rest of the identity crises.]
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Also 'I'll probably do it again,' Leon?]
Do you have to 'figure' it out though? How to be that aspect of yourself? I mean, we all have different personas that we adapt, but we usually do not make a conscious decision to do so. And even when we do, it still takes time.
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